


friend (please remove your hands from over your eyes for me)

by hermionewrites



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Gen, Humor, I'm not calling it angst, alternative title certain people wanted this to have was 'the ava and zari insecurities fic', because I think it's more like comfort really, if a bit on the nose, lots of stuff about hair like it's a big plot point, part 2 is written and will be posted soon!, we all miss sara a lot but ava and zari both need to remember they have a family who loves them, which would have been accurate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24934288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermionewrites/pseuds/hermionewrites
Summary: Post-Season 5"If Ava broke down in front of her, she wasn’t sure she’d even know what to do. Maybe other Zari would have. Maybe she was just shallow and emotionally incompetent.But as it turned out, she hadn't had to find out how she'd deal with this, because after that evening with Nate, Zari hadn’t seen Ava shed a single tear. The woman standing at the control panel when they walked on to the bridge the next day seemed like a completely different person to the one Zari had grown so close to."orin which ava and zari discuss insecurities, family, and lesbian hairstyles.
Relationships: Ava Sharpe & Team Legends, Ava Sharpe & Zari Tomaz | Zari Tarazi, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe, Zari Tomaz | Zari Tarazi & Team Legends
Comments: 14
Kudos: 86





	1. my best friend had a personality transplant?! (NOT CLICKBAIT)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LegendaryNonsense](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendaryNonsense/gifts).



> Hi! I wrote a legends fic and it is a predictably random subject choice, but I found myself extremely fond of Zari 2.0 and the zava friendship, and like most of us I can't help but keep thinking about the angst of Ava with Sara abducted. So thank you to Laura for the conversation that sparked this idea and to you and Clélia for listening to me go on about this as I wrote. 
> 
> And also thanks to Clélia for the title, bringing the number of twenty one pilots songs I've heard up to 3.

'"zizi pets one lizard and thinks that makes her relevant like 20 years later as if catchat hasnt got like a billion other better versions of exactly her thing but with like… actual depth lol" 

Zari didnt care what trolls had to say. Really! She didn't! She hadn’t been lying to Mick when she’d told him all they were looking for was her attention. But something about this comment, at this moment, struck a nerve. 

Doubting herself, and comparing herself to others was never something that she had felt the need to do, she'd never been in any doubt that there was nobody like her. 

But that was just the problem. Apparently now there was. 

It wasn’t really that she cared whether ‘@dragonEWsque’ thought she was still relevant. Her millions of followers and 500 million net worth showed her quite clearly she was. But at that moment, it wasn’t her CatChat followers’ opinions she was concerned about. 

One of the first things you have to get used to when you become a global icon is that everybody suddenly wants to be your best friend. But the second thing you have to realise is that none of them really want to be your friend. Even if they don’t just want to latch on to your fame, they want to be friends with this perfect idea of you they have. Zari had convinced herself she was fine with that, what’s wrong with everyone only knowing your best angle? That was, until the Legends had crashed into her life. Suddenly she had these ridiculous people, the kind of people her brother was friends with, surrounding her. They were like this huge second family he had never told her about, and at some point she realised that the thing she wanted most was to be a part of that. She convinced herself she only wanted to come to the French revolution because she thought it sounded fun, but when Ava called her a member of the team, an interim legend even when she had screwed up, her heart had leapt in her chest. 

At first she sometimes just felt like Behrad’s sister, tagging along for the ride, not a permanent member, even after she had started to connect with the rest of the team. But when Behrad had died (something she was simply not thinking about the current emotional implications of. He was back and everything was absolutely totally fine.) she had found herself motivated by something stronger, weaving her into the fabric of the team (an appropriate metaphor, she supposed) until when he returned she realised she was connected to the team with threads that no longer only passed through him. 

Now she had something she had never known she wanted, but had grown to value more than almost anything… real friends, who liked her for her. Or maybe they did. She couldn’t suppress the growing worry that perhaps it was exactly the opposite. They liked her for someone else. The other Zari.

Had they only warmed to her really because the other Zari was still a part of her? Did they even like her now they knew another version? A better version? A version with ‘actual depth’? A version gone so she could stay. She hated that where she used to feel so self assured her brain was now constantly swirling with these questions, that she’d sunk so low as to obsess about something some random Catchat commenter had said. 

And that wasn’t the only thing on her mind. With Sara gone, the mood on the ship was simultaneously subdued and frantic, every day spent desperately searching for where she could have gone that Gidget couldn’t find her, but barely speaking about her beyond this search, as if acknowledging her disappearance would make it permanent.

She and Behrad had been the only ones sober, and even he had been high, yet she still hadn't noticed. More questions still: would the other Zari have noticed? She wondered if she wasn’t the only one thinking that. She wondered if Ava was thinking that. 

The first thing Ava had done, realising Sara was missing, was to have Gidget run every single kind of scan she could for her, every day for a week. All they found was blurring security footage being beamed out of sight as they walked away oblivious. Ava's body language got tenser and jerkier with every failed attempt to see where that had taken her, and the circles under her eyes darkened. Eventually, after spending two successive nights awake at the control panel, and finally screaming at Gidget to stop calling her captain, she let Nate guide her into the captain’s office. Zari could hear her sobbing into his shoulder from where she lingered out of sight in the doorway, and wished she could feel as sure that her comfort would be welcomed. 

If Ava broke down in front of her, she wasn’t sure she’d even know what to do. Maybe other Zari would have. Maybe she was just shallow and emotionally incompetent. 

But as it turned out, she hadn't had to find out how she'd deal with this, because after that moment with Nate, Zari hadn’t seen Ava shed a single tear. The woman standing at the control panel when they walked on to the bridge the next day seemed like a completely different person to the one Zari had grown so close to. 

Ava's enthusiasm and individuality had been the things Zari had grown to admire about her, but now she was barely even talking, let alone rambling about something she was interested in. Zari had seen Ava as a leader, she knew that she liked to have rules and guidelines, but now there was no A.L.O.H.A. There were only brusque orders, and everyone else on the team seemed to just be going with that, unconfused by the idea of Ava acting like this. 

The last straw came at breakfast the day after a lead they had been following came to nothing. Zari was sitting at the table next to Nate, drinking some of the green juice nobody else would touch when Ava walked in. Immediately, Zari noticed something was off. 

“Ava! Your hair!” Zari jumped up from her seat as Ava turned, confusion flashing across her face for a second before it smoothed back into her set expression. “I’m all for experimentation but like this you can’t have the second best hair on the team, after me of course-” Nate made a protesting noise, his mouth full of cereal, at this ranking, but Zari ignored him and rushed over to where Ava still stood by the fabricator, “Not with it up so severely. Here, if you’re going for hair up now I have so many great updos that will be just perfection with your colour and bone structure, let me just-” She reached up to loosen the tight bun Ava’s hair was pinned into, but just before she touched it, Ava jerked her head away. 

“This is more professional.” She said shortly. "Extra frivolous touches just take away from its purpose: being effective.” And with that, she turned away, leaving Zari standing with her hand still raised, and a shocked expression on her face. 

Hair had been a cornerstone of her and Ava’s friendship. Ava’s hair had been the first thing Zari had admired about her, and since they had become friends it had become a regular thing for them to sit in Zari’s room, or for Zari to shoo Sara out of her and Ava’s room, and sit and talk while Zari messed around with Ava’s hair, acting like the carefree teenagers neither of them had ever really been. Sometimes Ava even let her film hair styling videos with her hair (she was a bit short on content now she had to pretend she wasn’t travelling through time with superheroes so allergic to fame that they had convinced the world they were frauds. Some people spend their whole career trying to avoid that!)

One time, just before the 'The Smells' concert, they had let Sara stay and Ava had ended up with her head in her hands half jokingly bemoaning why so many of her friends seemed to be attracted to John Constantine (“should I just call Gary to join in with this instead?”), and compelled to discuss it in front of her ("you're all bisexual, you have twice the pool of perfectly good 'Not John Constantines" to be attracted to!"). 

This had devolved into a conversation about how Ava had totally got lesbian vibes from Zari Tomaz, (“all that flannel, you know?”) and the bet she and Sara had had about her and Nate (Zari had been rather surprised herself at that romance. She would’ve gone for Charlie.). 

At that point Zari knew Ava well enough to know her absolute blindness to chemistry between men and women, (she still wasn’t sure if it was willful or genuine) and had pointed out that if they were playing into stereotypes here then maybe they should be chopping off all of Ava’s lovely long hair instead of styling it. Even after that threat, which had sent her shrieking to an amused Sara for protection (as if she wasn't just as able to defend herself) from the scissors Zari had produced from somewhere, Ava had easily let her get back to the intricate braid she was arranging. 

But this time was different. This Ava wasn’t slightly tipsy and joking around, she wasn’t even looking at Zari anymore, let alone grinning at her. She had busied herself with the fabricator, her mask only cracking for a second as Zari saw her hand move automatically to the button for the coffee Zari knew she didn’t drink. 

Zari quietly sank back into her chair, her mind whirring. Ava’s flinch had felt like concrete proof that Zari’s worries had been correct: Ava blamed her. Maybe that was why the rest of the team hadn’t seemed as confused by Ava’s behaviour, was she acting the same away from Zari? The whole while Ava fetched her plain breakfast, avoiding the French toast Zari knew was her favourite, she sat in silence, her thoughts spiralling. 

Once Ava had left the room with her breakfast, the tension seemed to decrease slightly, but the mood remained grim and silent. Zari couldn’t bear it. Her fault or not, she needed to understand what was going on, even if it hurt her. 

“Okay I can’t just sit here in silence anymore, what the hell has happened to Ava? I understand it’s because of Sara being missing but I would expect her to be… I don’t know, frantically hunting, not for her to shut down like this? It’s like she’s a completely different person.” At that last sentence a collective wince went around the table. 

“If that bun shocked you, love, you should have seen her hair the last time she lost Sara.” Zari turned to glare at John. 

“Not helpful.” She hissed. He looked surprisingly apologetic, but then again she knew he and Ava had a begrudging mutual tolerance nowadays. And maybe he even felt sorry because he cared about her (but having That talk had kind of taken a backseat in all this). 

“Well,” Nate replied tentatively, “I don’t know if you know, but Ava is… she’s… y’know, a c-word?”

Not quite processing what Nate had meant, Zari gasped in outrage and raised a hand to slap Nate for his extremely uncharacteristic rudeness about Ava. 

“No! No, no, no! Not that c-word!” Nate hurriedly added. “I meant like… can I write it down? I don’t want-” 

John sighed, “She’s a clone, love.”

Zari dropped the hand she’d still had poised in front of Nate. “Oh, that. Yes, she mentioned at book club.” The mildly disturbing memories of that book club (she still hadn’t dared ask about the federal agent) had kind of been overshadowed by the party they had held afterwards (one of Zari’s best, especially planned at such short notice, if she did say so herself).

Nate looked at her in slight confusion, “You seem weirdly... not weirded out about that?” 

“I’ve been online since I was ten years old, Nathaniel. I’ve seen stranger things than Ava Sharpe.” Zari rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I don’t know what that has to do with the way Ava’s behaving now?”

“Well, when we first met Ava she didn’t like us very much. Think Astra’s view of us when she first joined us on the ship but from an extremely uptight bureaucrat. She was pretty emotionless.”

“Unless that emotion was annoyance with us. She was cold.” Behrad put in. 

Zari almost scoffed at that. She could see Ava as an exasperated bureaucrat annoyed by the legends. But cold? “Ava? How cold can she have been? This is the same woman who I saw like… literally melt when Sara laughed at something she said.”

“Yeah.” Mick grunted, joining the conversation. “Sara.” 

“I don’t know how much Ava would want us to say, but she wasn’t really… made to do emotions.” Behrad said, his face uncharacteristically serious. “We’ve been thinking that with Sara, the one who brought her out of that, gone, she might be kind of struggling to deal with it, and reverting back to how she used to be.” 

“Not that she’s stopped feeling things,” Nate put in quickly. “Just that she doesn’t really know how to deal with it. We decided just going along with it for now might be better. We kind of hoped we would have found Sara by now.”

They had decided, had they? Zari felt an unfamiliar, and unwelcome, wave of discomfort at the realisation that they had discussed this without her. She wasn’t used to not being invited, and now when it was to conversations among her close friends, about the woman she would probably call her best friend… it kind of stung. (A little voice whispered that if Behrad had been there, that meant the other Zari would have been invited too. The other Zari would have understood.) 

Perhaps it was just that she hadn’t known Ava then, but what they had told her had done nothing to convince her she should make the same decision to go along with it. In fact, she thinks, a plan forming, she is all the more convinced that even if Ava might blame her, she has to snap her best friend out of this; the Zari Tarazi way. 

\-----

But the Zari Tarazi way took some preparation. She may not be able to get Sara back for Ava, or even be as understanding or useful a friend as the other Zari, but planning a campaign was Zari’s speciality. And her new one was her most crucial yet, get Ava back to normal. As she marched around the Waverider, her phone open on her DragonPlanner app, she felt more in her element than she had in weeks. 

Step one of a successful campaign: an excellent original concept. Just as Zari usually considered what things brought the most positive viewer engagement, she tried to think of the times she had seen Ava at her happiest, independent of Sara. Inviting a serial killer on to the Waverider seemed impractical, so she moved on to her second option: book club. 

Step two, making a plan and gathering the necessary components for everything to go off without a hitch. She had got the impression books weren’t the most important part of book club, but she had to get every bit perfect, so, using the wonders of modern technology (or was it future technology? When even are you when in the temporal zone? Can one even be in style when you’re in no time period?) she searched up the top selling new true crime books of 2042, and downloaded an audio book (she knew Ava had gotten into the habit of enjoying listening to them with Sara. She hoped that the reminder wouldn't do more harm than good, and bought the ebook just in case.) Ava probably wasn’t meant to know that they’d discovered the identity of the most prolific female serial killer but… technically it was past knowledge and Zari knew this had been the case Ava was most excited making the StabCast episode for. 

The most major hitch in this part of the plan is the fact that, less traumatically than Sara had, all the other members of bookclub had departed from the ship. Zari knew she couldn’t send the jumpship out without Ava noticing and questioning it, but, this time with the benefits of careful time management and also technology that was definitely from the future, Zari could work with that too. 

Step three; with all the pieces gathered together, all Zari needed to do was perfectly set the stage (like she had learnt to after the 2029 VMAs, the one we do not talk about). Zari was very used to creating an environment for people where she wanted them to feel like she could be their (very beautiful, very stylish) friend, but as she set up her room with blankets and pillows she realised she wasn’t very sure how well she was doing creating somewhere for someone whose friend she desperately hoped she still was (Zari wasn’t used to acknowledging herself wanting desperately for anything much at all since recently.) 

She’d done some work in app design, but she wasn’t exactly a master hacker anymore, now that she was split from other Zari. She was sure that other Zari would’ve been able to hack Gidget into doing what she wanted, but she had to settle for asking the AI very very nicely to do what she needed (Behrad had offered to help, but silly as it probably sounded to him, she was determined to be able to do all of this her own way.). All she had left to do was to collect the snacks from the fabricator (apparently the love of donuts persisted against all circumstances and timelines).

So finally, a few days after that awkward breakfast, she was ready for step four: the presentation. She gave Gidget the okay to begin, and sat leaning against the bed to wait, her legs tucked under her, wearing stylish-but-comfortable pajamas from her DragonSnug collection. A comfy set she had had Gidget fabricate for Ava was laid out next to her, because while Ava’s nightwear choices actually tended to meet Zari’s approval, she was sure Ava would not come in wearing anything conducive to relaxation. 

Sure enough Ava appeared in the doorway wearing an even more uptight pantsuit than the one from when Zari first met her, her shirt buttoned up to her neck and even the jacket buttoned (which really did make it all less of a good look than it at least had the potential to be). She also still had that bun. 

“Zari?” she said questioningly, stepping cautiously into the room “Gideon said you needed assistance with something? I need to be back quickly to monitor-”

“I’m afraid not, Ava” Zari replied, “Gidget, now!” 

Before Ava could do anything more than spin around in confusion, the door had slammed shut behind her. 

“Isolated lockdown procedure initiated.” Gidget intoned. “A lock has been placed on this door. Except in the case of an emergency it will not be openable for the next 12 hours.’

“What is going on?!” Ava’s voice was rising, the least measured Zari had heard it be in weeks. “Gideon, open this door right now.”

“I’m afraid I cannot do that.” Gidget said, kind but firm. 

“I have to check the scanners again, the last scan will have finished and-”

“Behrad and John are checking them for you tonight.” Zari said gently. “You need a break.”

“No, what I need is to be able to go out there and do my job. I don’t have time for-” Ava looked around, looking like a caged animal, “this. That was what- what- I just can’t. Gideon, I am the captain of this ship and I am commanding you to open this door immediately.” 

“I’m sorry Captain Sharpe, I am programmed to do what the Captain of this ship needs, and Miss Tarazi is correct, you need a break.”

“No, what the captain of this ship needs is for me to not have failed her! And since that’s been and gone, what she needs now is for you to let me keep searching!” Zari watched in silent sympathy as Ava’s impassive mask crumbled in front of her, her face filling instead with self recrimination and pain. 

“Well,” she said cautiously, “Getting our feelings out in book club is off to a promising start.”


	2. BFF AND I DISCUSS THE MEANING OF HUMANITY *EMOTIONAL*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zari's plan to get Ava to open up works even better than she expected. Unfortunately for her, Ava isn't the only one of them locked in a room with a best friend determined for her to share her problems.

It had taken Ava as long as Zari had expected to… maybe not accept, but become resigned to the fact that she really was stuck in here until morning. But unfortunately the fact that she was no longer trying to persuade Gidget to unlock the door did not mean she was willing to talk to, or even acknowledge, Zari. She simply sat in the corner, her back straight and her gaze fixed. Zari knew she was going to have to be the one to break the silence, or Ava would be kind of right, this would all be pointless. 

“So.” Zari said, resorting to vaguely familiar territory “What brought on the new hair? I remember when I first dyed my hair, drastically and disastrously, all record has been literally and virtually burnt, it was just after I broke up with my first girlfriend.” What she had said caught up with her a moment later and she winced, “Not that you- that Sar-”

“As I said before.” Ava said shortly. “It may not be as fun or exciting as you would like, but all that should come after efficiency, serving its function well.”

Ava may have said something similar at that breakfast, but this time Zari felt like she understood the undercurrent to Ava’s words a little better. She wasn’t just talking about her hair. 

“Well I mean, there are some great hairstyles I could try that could do both?” Zari wasn’t sure what she was trying to do here; get Ava to open up gently or provoke her. “I have the stuff here for-”

“No!” Provoke her it was. 

“I may be stuck here for tonight, but that does not mean I have to agree to any of this. Me letting myself give into this kind of nonsense is exactly what got us into this situation, what got her into this situation. Next thing you’ll be suggesting we borrow some more of Behrad’s stash! What, so I can let someone else I care about disappear from right under my nose? It’s bad enough to have one person lost because I failed to protect them.” 

Ava was flushed with anger but Zari could only focus on part of what she had said. "You failed? You don’t… you don’t blame me?” 

Ava’s anger slipped away slightly, her face clouding with confusion. “Blame you? Why on earth would I blame you?”

“Well…” Zari hadn’t vocalised any of her newfound insecurities to anyone, not even Behrad, and it felt strange to admit even part of it so openly to Ava. But if she wanted Ava to open up, she would have to do the same. “I was the only one there not under any influence… I could have- I should have, seen Sara disappear. I thought you might have realised that and that’s why you’ve been being like this about your hair, about… everything with me.”

As Zari spoke, Ava’s face steadily filled with horror. “Oh my god, Zari no. This- no, this had nothing to do with you, I promise.” Her need to reassure Zari seemed to overcome her stiffness, as she moved quickly from her corner and sank down onto the cushions next to Zari. She grasped Zari’s hand in her own, a warm contrast to her previous flinching away. “This is just about me. I didn’t even think, this is exactly why I had to-” At this point Ava was speaking more to herself than to Zari, so she felt it was probably okay to break in. 

“Had to what, Ava?” Zari said, squeezing Ava’s hand back where she had been about to pull it away again in her panic, “Because unless nobody told me severe pantsuits and even more severe attitudes are suddenly the new craze in the temporal zone, and trust me, I would know… I don’t know what happened to you so quickly?” 

Ava let out a slow sigh, her shoulders slumping. It seemed like her resolve to stay closed off was waning. “You know that I was… created, rather than born?” Zari nodded silently, and Ava continued. “Well, all the… all the AVAs were made for specific purposes. For sale to people who needed someone- something to do the cleaning, or look after their kid or… so many things I honestly can’t think about if I want to keep being able to go about my day." She shuddered slight, before righting herself and continuing speaking. "But the point is I was made for certain purposes, to be the most perfect at certain things. I was made essentially for what my old job was, working at an agency like the Time Bureau, being the perfect efficient agent. I was made for following rules and regulations and I was good at that. Well… I think I was, despite how 11 other Ava’s made to be equally good managed to die on the job over only five years before me.”

Zari hadn’t known much about Ava’s past beyond the fact she was a clone, and had been doing her best not to react. But at this revelation of 11 previous AVAs she couldn’t help but speak. “I’m sorry, but what kind of person continues a scheme with that kind of casualty rate?! That’d be like if I kept rereleasing Dragonesque in its nose hair destroying form.” Zari’s eyes widened, realising the comparison she’d made “Not that I’m saying- you're not like an object or a product I meant-”

Ava held up a hand reassuringly. “I know what you meant. I forget you never met Rip.” Ava must have seen the flash of discomfort that went across Zari’s face as she added quickly. “Not that that’s any loss to you. He was… well, I feel like the fact he bought, then positioned himself as the mentor of, 12 clones, giving each false memories of their lives and replacing each as they died, all without telling them, says quite a lot for him.”

Zari wrinkled her nose. She’d have a few things to say to this man if she ever did meet him. She has seen a picture once, and honestly? He may have thought Ava was replaceable but he also thought that haircut and coat were advisable… as if the former hadn't already proven his opinions were worthless.

“So yes, I was perfectly made to do my job. But as you can see… I’ve not exactly been doing that job anymore. Losing the Time Bureau was terrifying for me because it was losing my literal purpose in life. It forced me to work out how to exist completely outside what I was made to do and this was what happened!” Zari could hear the self loathing in her voice. “I got too comfortable throwing myself outside what I was meant to do and this is what happened. Old Ava, hell, a different AVA, would never have let that happen, she never would have been in the situation where she doesn’t notice the most important person in her life disappearing because she’s let herself go too far.”

Zari couldn’t help but be reminded of her own thoughts of when other Zari was a part of her. “So you reverted?”

“I thought maybe if I tried… returning to default programming, I could be better, a better captain, a better person, a better way to find Sara.” Ava’s head dropped at the last sentence. “Managing without Sara isn’t like managing without the Bureau. She would laugh if I said something this sappy to her face, but she’s… she's literally the love of my life. My feelings for her are what kickstarted me feeling the love I was programmed not to be able to feel. I joined the legends as her girlfriend. I don’t know how to do it without her. I’m not sure I want to. Last time I died too and in a way… that was easier, just letting myself fall.”

Zari felt proud she was managing to keep her head above water in this conversation. Maybe she could do this. “But isn’t this just doing the same thing another way? You can’t ‘return to default programming’ about emotions, Ava, you’re a person, not a robot, and Sara isn’t the only person you have now. You connected with me all on your own even when Sara wasn’t here.” Zari’s soft smile morphed into a grin as she remembered another aspect of that particular day. “Besides, without me the Marie mission would have flopped at the doorman, and I doubt an emotionlessly efficient clone would have let me come on a mission just because I fluttered my eyelashes at her.” 

Ava gasped in outrage, her sadness momentarily forgotten. “I did not!”

“You totally did.” Zari winked. “Don’t worry, not even a taken woman is immune to the Tarazi charm. There was a whole CatChat Meowment about how ‘effortlessly captivating’ I am just last year.” 

“Effortlessly irritating.” Ava grumbled, freeing her hand to grab a pillow to smack Zari lightly round the head. Zari grabbed another and it quickly devolved into a pillow fight, ending with them settling back down against each other, Ava’s hair half fallen out of her bun and both of them shaking with laughter. 

“But seriously, Ava." Zari said, still panting slightly. "Even if sometimes that means things aren’t as perfect, letting yourself go and have fun with people, and making real emotional connections, is what makes you a person.” Zari didn’t manage to stop herself from continuing her train of thought aloud. “Which has honestly been very worrying for me since I don’t think I’ve been making deep emotional connections with other people for a very long time and even now I have I’m not sure if that was really me and- You know what,” Zari blew out a breath slowly to calm herself, moving her hands up and down with her inhales and exhales. “This book club is for you right now. This self-centred thing is what I’m trying not to do anymore.”

Ava shook her head quickly. “No, no! Book club is about everyone’s problems.” She offered a soft smile. “And so is friendship.” 

Zari blew out a long breath. “Well I told you what the problem was before: all the adoring fans, none of the actual friends. I mean, I know I'm an all round badass business bitch in my own right, and that’s what I’m used to people caring about, what I’m used to caring about. I convinced myself I didn’t care that my own family thought I was shallow. But now all you legends come in here with your- your ridiculousness, your fun,” she waved her hands in the air, “your earnestness. And suddenly you’re all looking further than all those things in me and… I’m just… I’m scared that there isn’t anything there for you to care about… not now she’s gone. Maybe the depth any of you saw in me was her, while I’m really just that top layer? I’ve built my entire personality around setting myself apart from other influencers just enough, I’m not even sure what I want to be outside of that. I sometimes feel like all those CatChat comments about me being so fake aren’t too far from the truth.”

Ava had let Zari speak her piece without interrupting, leaning against her shoulder and letting her fiddle absentmindedly with the now loose strands of blonde hair. “It sounds like you’re struggling with finding your identity and place outside what you’ve got used to doing and found easy to do, and are having problems with feeling like there could just be a better version of you.” She looked up at Zari with a crooked smile, “Luckily for you I happen to know someone uniquely qualified to discuss that very topic. Trust me, I know about feeling like a fake.” she grimaced slightly, “Though it may be the blind leading the blind, we can do our best." She smiled wryly. "Little did you know locking me in here to get me to open up would get you too.”

Zari laughed, feeling slightly lighter than she had before. Maybe even two burdens shared lightens the load. “I bet the other Zari could have set up a mechanism to avoid that.” she says, trying for a joking tone, as if those comparisons hadn’t been consuming her thoughts for days. “Like the door only opens when you admit how you’re feeling. Or sneakily engineered a fake mission requiring some truth serum.”

“I like the Zari Tarazi way.” Ava said, smiling gently. Zari thought Ava should probably give herself more credit for emotional intelligence. “Besides, that sounds far too much like one of Gideon’s schemes, like how she apparently had to stick your other timeline self into a time loop to get her to connect with the team.”

Zari blinked quickly, trying not to let her surprise be too evident on her face. “She… she had trouble with that?”

“I mean, I wasn’t there for most of it, but sure. Sara,” her voice caught slightly, before she recovered and continued speaking, “isn’t exactly the most emotionally forthcoming person, but I do remember how frustrated she used to get when we were first talking, about how the other Zari wouldn’t work properly with them or let them in and understand she was a proper member of the team.”

“Oh,” muttered Zari, “She seemed like… she fit in a bit more easily than that.”

“You saw her, hell you see most of the legends where they are now, months into being part of this family. Nobody joined smoothly and easily. I know the other Zari only joined temporarily to try and find a way to bring back Behrad, and she bonded with the rest of the team through that.”

Zari remembered her own thinking about how trying to bring back Behrad had brought her closer to the other legends. “I just feel like maybe… the parts of myself that everyone liked just went and sacrificed themself for me to stay around. I can’t help but think they might want the better version of me back, the one they actually know and love. I haven’t even been able to get up to courage to talk to Behrad about any of this because what if with the memories he has now he prefers the kind of sister who would sacrifice her existence for him, rather than the shallow one who annoyed him for half their lives. Losing him was… it was- I don’t want to find that I’ve just lost him another way.” 

“Zari,” Ava said, forcing Zari’s gaze up to meet hers. “It wasn’t only the other Zari who fought hard to save her brother, nor, for that matter was it her who made sure that Marie mission worked out, or somehow managed to stop John Constantine from smoking. But it was her who chose to go back into the totem to protect Behrad. That wasn’t your choice. We all love you, and wouldn’t replace you with a ‘better’ version, even if the other Zari was that. She’s just a person who we love too. Neither of you are replaceable.”

Zari felt like whatever she could say to that would leave her mortifyingly choked up, so she shifted the subject back slightly, putting on a shaky smile. “You know, if you can say you wouldn’t replace me with a ‘better’ version, I can say that for you. I’ve never met another Ava, and let’s get one thing straight,” Ava raised an eyebrow jokingly, and Zari rolled her eyes. “shush. There’s only one Co-captain Ava Sharpe. You’re not replaceable either. Better for you to mess up doing what I got to know you as doing: being yourself, than trying to work ‘perfectly’ like this.”

“And you say you don’t know how to handle emotional depth.” Ava teased, her smile showing how really touched she was. 

“Shut up, Miss 'I struggle with emotions except for this wonderful beautiful motivational speech I’ll give you'. The legends have been a terrible influence on us both.”

Ava laughed slightly. “I just remembered something the legends said to me when I first knew them. They said their motto was that ‘sometimes we screw things up for the better’. Maybe that’s what they did to me, screwed me up for the better.”

Zari side-eyed Ava for a second, causing her to pick up her pillow threateningly again. “Oh, you know what I mean.”

“Oh I’m sure Sara definitely screwed you up for the better.” Zari gave an exaggerated wink. 

“That doesn’t even make sense, you dork.” 

“You don’t know that.” Zari pointed out smugly, “It could be very current 2042 slang.” 

Ava got a wicked look in her eye, affecting what Zari judged to be a terrible approximation of her voice. “Ah yes, well, where I’m from, 2213 you know, that kind of thing is just… so two centuries ago, you know?”

“I’ve created a monster.” Zari muttered in horror. “I take back anything I said to combat your insecurities about being created in the future.” 

Ava kept laughing, and Zari’s faux annoyance melted into a fond smile. 

“You’re not going to close off again when Gidget lets us out, are you? We won’t stop working hard to find Sara, but everyone worries about you too, and all the legends want to help, like family. I’m sure wherever Sara is, she doesn’t want you feeling like this.” Zari held a hand up as she saw Ava opening her mouth to argue. “Do you want us all to have to deal with her and her knives because we let her girlfriend feel like this while she was gone?”

Ava laughed shakily and slowly nodded. “I’ll- I’ll try. And you know that you, not only the other Zari, are just as much a part of that family? Which means you can tell us how you feel, and we will try and help.”

Zari nodded too. “I’ll try and sit down with Behrad at least once we’re out of here.”

“Good. Don’t make me have to organise a repeat of this.”

“Please,” Zari rolled her eyes, “Don’t pretend you don’t wish you and your binders could have been involved in my master plans.” Her voice softened, “And Ava?” 

“Hm?”

“Trust me, I know fake friends. You’re the realest friend I’ve ever had.” 

\---- 

Once they'd tackled the emotional elephant in the room, they fell back into the familiar pattern of their previous hang outs. Ava was extremely excited about Zari’s bookclub book choice, and Zari made her promise she could pay her back for it by doing a StabCast x dragongirl collab (despite Ava’s questioning about how that would work with the timeline, because when you’re releasing podcasts in the temporal zone… when in the timeline are they even appearing on the internet?). 

As the audiobook played in the background, they drowsily discussed what this episode would entail until Ava fell into what Zari suspected might have been the deepest sleep she’d had in weeks (“don’t want… our room… memories… office better.” had been all Zari caught of Ava’s explanation of her sleep deprivation.) against Zari’s shoulder. Zari must have drifted off too, as when she opened her eyes the doors were sliding open, and Gidget was speaking.

“Isolated lockdown completed.” 

They made their way to the galley to get some breakfast, having finished the few plates Zari had fabricated for them a couple of hours ago. The rest of the legends were already sitting around eating as they walked in, but it wasn’t them that Zari saw Ava’s gaze go to. 

“Mona? Nora?!” Ava gasped, looking around in shock. 

Mona bounced up and hugged Ava tightly “Zari told us you were stuck in the angsty part of your romance.” Nora elbowed her gently “Sorry, I’ve spent too much time plotting recently.”

“She told us you’d gone full Director Sharpe, and clearly she knows you well enough to know that book club is the best way to snap you out of that.” Nora looked at Ava, who gave her a slight nod, before embracing her gently. 

“How did you get them here?” Ava said, her face still filled with pleased shock. 

“Be glad you didn’t confiscate my phone for good.” Zari replied. “I simply used my carefully honed social media skills to track them down and-”

“Future Mona is a fan and so Zari just dmed her, then got Nate to fetch us in the jumpship while you were trapped.” Nora explained with a laugh. 

"Yes, future Mona! It was a lot more impressive than- you know what?” Zari said. “Whatever, my body needs breakfast before my skin starts to suffer from the sleep deprivation.”

She watched for a moment as the other legends greeted Ava, Nate pulling her into a brotherly hug as John inclined his head to her not unkindly, and shot Zari his version of a warm smile (They really did need to have that conversation.).

"Glad you're back." Mick said gruffly, nodding at Ava with badly disguised affection. "Lita'll be glad to hear from you." 

Zari turned around, hiding a fond smile as the others chattered behind her. A warm feeling spread through her chest when she saw someone had got her juice ready for her already. 

She grabbed the glass, turning to watch the scene in front of her for a minute. Nora and Mona sitting on either side of Ava as Nate tried to persuade her to do a StabCast episode on some historical mystery he was reading about, while Mick put in suggestions of people he had met in prison. Ava was smiling, her hair messily loose over her shoulders. She looked better. 

Zari almost jumped in the air as she felt a hand settle on her shoulder. She turned to see Behrad standing next to her. 

“You did good, Ari.” He said, calling her by the nickname he hadn’t used since they were little. For once, she didn’t have a teasing retort. Serious conversations could come later. For now she just leaned into her brother's side to watch her new family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would really really love to know what you thought in the comments.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 coming soon, just needs some editing! I'd really love to know your thoughts in the comments!


End file.
